SO, I turned it off. The baby monitor. I know, I know, it sounds like I did it for some selfish reason, like..I don't know...sleep? Nope. I turned it off for only one reason. A cough. You see, my baby coughs sometimes in the morning, probably his reflux, and it absolutely, completely, inevitably, extraordinarily FREAKS me out. Why? One word. pertussis. Better known as "whooping cough". You see? I hate it so much that I don't even want to validate it by capitalizing it. No capitalizing for you, my ugly little fear. I'm so deathly afraid of that disease that it haunts me at night. When Rowen was still very small (like, 5 months ago), I used to hold the monitor up really close to my face while he slept in his room. I'd wait and listen and wait and listen. For the horrible sound of a cough. When he was almost 2 months old, I heard him coughing at about 5am, and I picked him up, freaked out, woke up Dan, and rushed him into Urgent Care. The Dr thought I was insane....not exaggerating there. He really did. He even got smart with me at the end when I asked him if he really knew what he was doing when he said Rowen was perfectly healthy :/ Anyway, it was the darn cough. One moment of coughing..which later was diagnosed as a side effect of his reflux. Three days ago, the same thing happened. I heard him coughing, and I rushed in and woke Dan up and actually had a panic attack. It was small, but it was still there. Have you ever had one? Yeah, scary. But, turns out, he was fine. And he's had all his shots, so that should make me feel better, right? Yeah right.
So, this morning, as he lay in his bed and coughed a bit, I rolled over and immediately drew the monitor to my ear and listened. BUT...this time, I took a deep breath, fought the tears, chills, throwing up, fought the pacing, fought the urge to crawl into a fetal position while sweating profusely...and YES, it's that bad sometimes. But, not this time. Instead, I simply reached over, took the monitor and turned it OFF. And you know what? It worked. And he was fine. And I actually fell back asleep.You see, most grown ups work on logical things, like spending less money, controlling their hormones, finding a job, learning to love others. That's what big people do. I on the other hand, in the land of fear, have to work on holding down the vomit when dealing with my son coughing.
So, there you have it. I'm a germ-a-phobe. But I'm proud to say that I'm doing better. And I'm learning. I'm learning that sometimes you're up, and sometimes you're down.... And sometimes.... you just have to turn off the monitor.
And that's okay with me.