I had a very scary moment this afternoon. I was on the computer and Rowen was about 6 feet behind me, playing. I had a feeling to go check him, so I walked over to him, picked him up, and his mouth was open and he was gagging. My fingers immediately dove into his mouth to find he had one of Emma's small toy parts LODGED in his mouth. He could not open nor close his mouth anymore, because it was lodged vertically. I finally got a good grasp on it and pulled it out, and he vomited, and I comforted him. As he cried I held him, and seconds later he was fine and smiling. It bothered me all day, and I was extremely watchful after that...and of course COMPLETELY freaked out.  Ah, the joys of a freaked out mother. Yep. Thank you, Anxiety. Nice to see you again.  

But it wasn't until tonight that it really hit me. If it had been a few more seconds, we could possibly be sitting in a hospital, or surrounded by friends and family in quick embraces as they cry and tell me how sorry they are for our loss. Now, it may sound over the top. I may be exaggerating slightly at "what could have happened". But that's what I do. Sometimes I lay in bed and think of all of the horrible things that can happen and I practically have a panic attack. Have you ever done that? Yeah, it's a bummer.  Tonight I had to say a prayer to ease my mind and think of happy thoughts. It was almost overwhelming, the thought.   

 So there I was tonight, holding this baby boy in my arms, and wondering what I must've done to please the Lord enough for him to tap me on my shoulder today and remind me to check Rowen. It was kind of a spiritual, deep moment for me. Different things going through my head, looking at things in a different light. I am sure it won't be the last time I have that little thought or inspiration pushing me to check my children when I've been not so smart.  But if something did happen, if tragedy did strike, and for some reason our hearts were left broken, I cannot ever say we weren't blessed. We will have had wonderful, amazing lives with these kids. 

And not even my anxiety can take that away.

9/9/2012 06:05:08 am

Brandon- I really think that she should write a book she's really really good with her words and putting them together and stuff.

Me- I love you Becky it's so scary how much the same that we are I think pretty much all the same things that you do I freak myself out and I over think about things stress out and then Brandon has to calm me down... I love you and I'm proud of you for posting and paying attention to you're feelings!

9/9/2012 02:37:27 pm

You guys make me so happy, and you make me laugh!! Mirranda, thank you for posting and I love that you read these!!! And Brandon, you just made me feel so good :) Love you guys so much.,

BTW, Mirranda, you r right, we almost are EXACTLY the same :)


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