Rowen has a heart. Not a normal heart. He has a heart the size of the earth. He always tells me he loves me to the moon. He has no clue how deep my love goes for him, and that it possibly exceeds a trip to the moon. He is a silly boy. He makes jokes with a straight face. He tries to wink and his whole face scrunches into a sweet smile with both eyes closed. He wraps his arms around you so tight when he hugs you that you think you might actually lose circulation from your throat to your waist. And when he cries? That’s a different story. The smile fades, his eyes turn a deep, dark blue, and any trace of happiness vanishes quickly. When he is sad, he is sad. For him, there is no hiding it. He wears his pain or anxiety or fear, for anyone to see. He doesn’t understand pride or embarrassment. He only feels. When he loves you, he tells you, and when he is angry he does not hesitate to make it known. His emotions are sometimes out of control and there is nothing he can do about it. But there is beauty to that, and hopefully someday he will see that. He will be a passionate man. Not one who temporarily cares for you, but permanently and seriously. One who loves you with 100% of his heart. His wife will appreciate his laughter, for he does not give it freely. When he does laugh you know it is because he means it. He is harder to make smile than anyone I know. She will learn that his trust is a bit guarded, but once you have it, you’ve got it forever. Just like his love.
Rowen's eyes. They are the bluest, and the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. If I could look into those eyes and read his mind, I’d do it. Then I’d know all of the complex beauty that our little boy holds in his perfect little mind. He may not feel perfect, and I’m sure sometimes he may not feel important. He has to repeat himself sometimes and work extra to express what he wants. It is a constant battle figuring out our sweet boy. It does not come easy for him. Life may not ever be easy for him. But do you know what is? Loving him. He will never have to work for that. Not now, not as an adult, not ever. He may not know that now, but he will know it someday. That his parents always loved him, and no disability or impairment or condition can EVER change that.
Sweet Rowen. He may say he loves me to the moon, but I love him much, much more than that. And someday, when he steps through that veil, when his life is over and it's his time to move on, all of his little complex issues and struggles and anxieties that constantly push him down, will fall away from him. And then, his eyes will see clearly and he will finally understand how much he was loved. And how valuable he is. And we will see that sweet, perfect smile, without any trace of sadness or fear. And he will finally be completely happy.
Until then, I will try to enjoy this crazy ride with him, as I wake up to sloppy kisses and tight hugs.
He won’t be little forever.
But he’ll always be mine.
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